The Mama-Zombie Phase
Tonight, I’m bracing myself for yet another sleepless night. I don’t know why, but in the last two weeks my girls have decided to take turns as to who could keep mommy awake the longest. We go through such phases now and then. Sometimes it’s just one night. Sometimes, it seems to last forever … but it always ends at some point and we are always back to normal sleeping habits … or, at least, some form of decent sleeping habits.
Ever since Sophie, who is almost 3, has dropped her nap, putting her to bed has become a breeze. I thought this would never happen. But, once the lights go out, all I have to do is lay beside her crib for 10-15 minutes and voila! She’s fast asleep.
Not such a piece of cake with Chloe, who is 5. Once we read all our books and play our pre-bed game of chess, the lights go out and I lay beside her bed. But she just doesn’t want to fall asleep, no matter the hour. At some point I start losing my patience and we run through our usual lines. “Chloe, now please close your eyes and go to sleep. Call me ONLY if there is an emergency.”
-“Like if there is fire, or I have to vomit … or I have to go poo?”
-“Yes, Chloe … Good night, I love you.”
As I leave the room and close the door, I hear the usual: “Good night, I love you! … but Mama … wait! Wait!” …
We go through several iterations of this until I finally escape and all is quiet. It takes me some time to wind down, but I’m finally in bed, ready to pass out…
I am awakened by a distant cry: “Emergency! Mama, emergency” … I run into Chloe’s room. “What happened?”
-“Um. Ummmm…” … still thinking … “um, I got a boogar!”
-“Ah, Chloe … it’s 1am and you wake me up because you got a boogar? It is not part of the 3 circumstances under which we agreed you can wake me up!”
-“What’s ‘circumstanszzz’??”
I instantly regret using a complicated word at 1am. “What? Nevermind … you got a whole a box of tissues by your bed. Please don’t wake me up for this.” Chloe is now raising her voice: “Mama, what’s circumstanzzzs??”
The more we talk the more awake we are, the smaller my chances are of ever finding my way back to my bed that night. “It’s, umm, it means you don’t have to vomit or go poop, and there is no fire, so please don’t wake me up!”
After more talking, and way too many failed attempts to go back to bed, I somehow end up being awakened in my own bed by: “Emergency, Emergency Mama. Come, emergency!” I don’t remember ever falling asleep but everything is a blur. My heart starts to race once again but I can’t get out of bed. I’m so exhausted. I secretly hope that Chloe will fall back asleep.
-“Emergencyyyy! Aaaa. Mama!”
This time, I instantly jump out of my bed, realizing that the longer I stay in bed, the more likely Chloe will wake up Sophie with all her “emergency” screaming.
-“What is it Chloe?”
-“Um … Mama … Um … I think I heard a ghost! I’m scared.”
-“Chloe, remember, you got your unicorn with you. He will protect you. Ghosts, who don’t exist, but if they did exist, they are afraid of unicorns.” (A bullsh*t thing I made up to help Chloe sleep).
-“I know, but I’m still scared. Can you please please stay with me the whole night?”
I know I have no way out of this one. “Ok, I will sleep next to you, but only for a little bit, and then I’m going back to my bed.”
-“Thank you mama.”
I lay down next to Chloe, and close my eyes. My tired body is starting to melt onto the mattress and my breathing is becoming heavy.
Suddenly, I hear a noise. “Shit, what is that?” I ask myself. The first thing that comes to mind is a ghost. What if it is a ghost? Maybe they are real after all! I mean, people lived and probably died on this property for centuries. Not in our exact house, but the houses that were here before. For the first time, I feel scared. I pinch myself to wake up a bit more and look around. Nothing. It could have been anything. The wind, the heater, a squirrel outside our window … or maybe even my husband John. I sent him to sleep downstairs because he is sick as there is no point for both of us being awaken at night. Maybe he’s up looking for cough medicine. … I doze off.
The “nap” is short. I’m awaken with a slap across my face. Chloe turned in her sleep and woke me up. Ok that’s good, now I can go to my bed.
As I cross the hallway, Sophie starts screaming “Maamieee ..” … How convenient, I wasn’t even asleep! I enter Sophie’s room on my way.
-“Mamie, stay with me.”
-“OK Sophie”. I know I won’t fight this one. I lay down on the yoga mat on the floor, next to Sophie’s crib. “Go back to sleep Sophie. Please try not to wake me up.”
-“Ok, mamie,” Sophie’s usual reply in her sweet little voice that never fails to melt my heart.
The floor is cold, even on the yoga mat. I start to freeze really quickly but resist walking away too fast. “Is she asleep yet?” I wonder. Not being able to beat the cold any longer, I quietly get up and open the door. Sophie is quiet. It’s all good. I sneak out of the room as slowly and as quietly as I can, as if my life depends on it. I close the door and go to my bed.
I find both of my blankets on the floor lying in big pile. (I use two blankets and a bed sheet, and adjust the warmth by peeling the blanket layers). I pick them up and toss them on my bed. I can’t care enough to untangle and straighten them. I just cover myself with that two-blanket lump and hope that it will cover all my body parts, except the head of course.
The clock is showing 3am. I take a deep breath…
-“Mamieeeee!!” …
Oh, common! I didn’t even have a chance to close my eyes! “Mamieee, emergency!”
I walk over to Sophie’s room: “Sophie, please don’t wake mommy up. Mommy needs to sleep. And please don’t yell cause you will wake Chloe up!”
-“Smell my butts!”
-“Ah, Sophia common! Did you fart?” She’s been potty trained for a year now and there’s no issue. Recently, the “smell my butt” phrase, however, has become a part of our daily dinner conversations. The girls adore it when they fart and then run up to me and make me smell it. I refuse, but they are persistent.
-“Stay with me mommy.”
-“Ugh, OK, one sec.” I go back to my room and take one blanket. I bring it back to Sophie’s room and lay down on the yoga mat once again. I cover myself with the blanket and close my eyes.
At some point, oblivious how long I’ve been laying there, I hear Sophie’s deep breathing, which is a good sign that she’s asleep. I once again exit her room like I’m on a secret mission and go back to bed, dragging my blanket behind me.
I drop onto my bed, half alive, covering myself with my blanket, only to realize that I’m on top of the bed sheet. I try to do a few lousy pelvic tilts, leg lifts and chest lift while scooping the sheet underneath me away. Done. I cover myself with the sheet and the blanket for the hundred’s time tonight and I close my eyes. The house is silent once again. Sweet.
Suddenly, I perceive a light coming from our bedroom washroom. For a moment I think I’m dead and an angel has descended to bless me. I open one eye to look. It’s my husband, John. At 3:30 am he came all the way up from the basement to our second floor and is rummaging through the bathroom.
– “John, what are you doing?” I gave you a free night to have a restful sleep and yet you’re up here!”
– “I’m so sick, I feel like I’m gonna die. Where is the thermometer”?
The thermometer is in Chloe’s room, but I won’t dare to go get it. Too big of a risk! I send John back to the basement, without taking his temperature. We both know he has a fever, does it matter how high it is? I feel bad for him, and even worse for myself.
I finally return to bed. My head hits the pillow and I’m about to pass out … I reach for the remaining blanket but it’s nowhere to be found. Ah, it’s on the floor once again. Damn. I’m too exhausted to reach for it. I pull on the bed sheet and curl up in a ball. It’s cold. I feel like I’ve been hit a bus. And I don’t have the energy to get up again to get that blanket. … I close my eyes.
At 6:30am I am awakened by Sophie’s cheerful: “Mamie! Is it time to wake up?”