Raising A Chess Champion
Growing up as a competitive chess player, I was certain that once I had my own children I would surely turn them into chess champions. They would be the improved, better, stronger versions of me!
I was inspired by the stories of the Polgar sisters and Alexandra Kosteniuk (Note 1). Their fathers trained them in chess daily for many hours and I wanted to do the same for my kids one day. The ladies were also home-schooled, leaving ample time for chess. Kosteniuk’s father even gave up his career to pursue this chess dream. I thought I could temporarily give up mine as well.
At last, 6 years ago, my first daughter was born. I will never forget the moment when the nurse finally placed the 6-pound little beauty in my arms. The tiny blue-eyed creation I would now call my ‘daughter’. And as I looked into my newborn’s eyes for the first time, I did not see a chess champion there. What I saw, was a little human being; someone with her own dreams and aspirations to come.
I was still delirious from the pains of long labour but overwhelmed with happiness at the same time. I placed little Cleo (Note 2) on my chest and we embraced for what seemed like an eternal hug. “Welcome to this world, Cleo,” I whispered. “It will be me who will make your dreams come true. Not the other way around.” And with such thought, I dedicated myself to raising an individual who has her own wishes and aspirations. I also started to let go of my “raising a chess champion” dream, right there and then …
You see, the problem with such a dream is that it doesn’t account for who our children really are and who they want to be. What if they don’t want to be who you want them to be? Is it right to push them into the direction you chose for them? I think not. For if you do, you will end up with a dysfunctional, unhappy relationship with your children, who might regret many things later in life.
But children don’t often know what they want. Yes, that’s true. And this is why I believe it is more important to inspire our children, than to push our dreams onto them. And if it happens that our children start taking after us, because they want to – well then it is amazing! Congratulations!
I also believe it is important to introduce children to a variety of beautiful hobbies and activities; chess only being one of them. I was naïve to dream about raising solely chess champions because I did not account for giving my children the gifts of music, dance, art, foreign languages etc. All of these things take time. Time away from chess, and the chess dream.
And then there should also be play time and downtime. Time for bonding, reflection, rejuvenation, stillness. This time too, takes away from competitive chess. And competition these days if fierce!
So what about the dream? Was it somehow wrong?
Am I now trying to raise a jack-of-all-trades-and-master-of-none? Isn’t it better to focus on one thing and get amazing results? So here is the thing: there is no right or wrong answer. Polgars and Kosteniuks did what felt right for their families. They had the opportunity, desire and the ability to spend hours on chess every day. And they did great for themselves.
Today, “thanks” to the pandemic and subsequent lock-down, I am now home-schooling my children (note 3). And, all of a sudden, I have the ability and the opportunity to train my children in chess for many hours a day too. And there is the desire factor too as both of my daughters LOVE chess! It looks like I got all the right cards to play.
So why not? Why not follow the steps of Polgars and Kosteniuks? Well, because my daughters also love piano and dance and math and many other things. And I cannot give these up, solely for the love of chess. I could. But I won’t.
I realized that, for my family, my dream it was incomplete. It lacked all these other wonderful things in the world that we enjoy so much as a family. Chess is great for the mind, but music is great for the soul. You can’t just feed the mind and not the soul.
And as such, I am letting go of my dream. Instead, I am planting a variety of “seeds” in my children’s lives. If one of these seeds blooms into a chess champion one day – great! If not, I will just enjoy the “gardening” process and the love and bonding we share, without the stress and pressure of accomplishing something big in the future.
This is my choice. It is not right or wrong. It is simply a choice.
So what is my point? I am writing this article for 3 reasons:
- I wanted to share my parenting revelations. I would like to bring more awareness to the fact of whose dream are we pursuing when we are educating our children? Ours or theirs?
- I wanted to generate a healthy discussion of the above topic. For even if you are not a parent, you might be a child-product of your parents’ dreams. How did that go for you? Are you grateful that your parents pushed you to pursue certain things in life, or do you feel resentment towards them because you wanted to do something else? Note, this is not a debate of what is right or wrong. It is simply a discussion and sharing of information and life stories.
- And lastly, even though I made my choice to let go of my “raising the chess champion” dream, every now and then it still torments me. “What if I made a wrong choice? Maybe we should drop music, dance, math and languages and focus strictly on chess.” … I feel that if I write about this and share it with the world, this “old-school” dream will finally go away. Because deep inside, I now know that dropping soul-warming activities like music is not the right choice for my girls. It might be for other families, but not for mine. You see, I am still a young mom, trying to navigate through this tough parenting conundrum … So there, I said it. I made my choice. And I’m kicking that dream in the butt. Stop lingering at the back of my mind!
And what about you? What path are you choosing for your children? What path have your parents chosen for you? And how did it all go?
If I could end this article with one message it would be this: follow your heart; don’t just listen to your mind.
Letting go of your old beliefs and dreams is hard. It is also scary! It’s like losing a part of yourself; but an old part that no longer serves your purpose.
Happy parenting everyone! Love your children for who they are and you can’t go wrong.
Notes
(1) I met Alexandra Kosteniuk at the Russian Girls Chess Championship in 1992 (Kazan) and in 1994 (Yaroslavl), back while I was growing up in Russia. Even at the tender age of 8, I was impressed by her story. Or rather, how dedicated her father was to teaching her chess for several hours a day, every day. And her results showed all the hard work. She was the best, even back then.
(2) Name changed for confidentiality
(3) I have two daughters under 7 now. They both love chess. And I feel lucky, because I can share my passion with them.