A Long Painful Walk Home, Or …
Our walk home from school today was quite something. The moment my 5 year old daughter, Chloe, got out of school, she started being demanding about a playdate. No hug, no simple “Hello mommy”. A playdate with a girl I’ve never heard her speak of.
Chloe: “I don’t see Louise very often, I want a playdate TODAY!”
Me: “Is she in your class? Who is this Louise”?
Chloe: “Mama you are not listening to me! I told you millions and bigillions times that she is not in my class! How can she be in my class if I don’t see her?”
Me (feeing a bit dumb): good point. “Ok, sorry, I misunderstood, but who is she?”
And on and on it went.
To add to our unpleasant conversation, the topics of which seemed to change by the minute, Chloe stopped every 10 seconds to either throw a new mini tantrum or go on a “nature exploration” (drop to the cold ground and just lay there, picking at dead grass). At this rate, we are walking … 2 steps per hour. The weather is cold. I have another 2 year old daughter in the stroller who is eager to get home, which complicates things. I can’t wait to get home, yet things are not moving. This.Is.So.Painful!
And yet, today, I did my best to be present with my child, to listen to her every word, to try to understand how she feels and what feelings are driving her behaviour like that. This is not random I thought. She must have had a rough day. She must be feeling frustrated with something. This is her way of releasing tension. I need to support her emotionally…
I must have apologized a hundred times for various things, like walking too fast, walking too slow, walking in front of her, walking behind her, just walking, not walking… Aaaa … Her mini tantrums and picking on me seemed to have no end. It’s like she wanted to be my boss. And damn right, she deserved it because I (as her mom who knows it all) “boss” her around all day long. (Get out of bed, change your clothes, brush your teeth, off we go …) na-da-na-da-nada.
Yet, today, I kept my cool. I was there for her physically, emotionally and spiritually. I gave in to her every, “irrational” as it may seem, whim. I let her feel some power (over me). She deserved it.
We finally made it home after 45 minutes. It was a painful walk but at the same time somewhat peaceful as I just followed her lead and succumbed to her whims. No resistance, no pushing, no yelling, no threatening, no bribing, nothing … nada. It actually felt a bit strangely blissful not to be in the lead.
And yet, still, I wasn’t too happy with that walk. I still felt a bit annoyed and very sad that my child must have been frustrated with something to be acting like that. My ego was still somehow crushed … And only then did it occur to me – I couldn’t change her behaviour/feelings but I could keep accepting/acknowledging them and I could change MY expectations! I mean why on earth did I expect to get home within 20 minutes with a perfectly happy child? Where did this expectation come from? Letting go of it and looking back at today’s walk – I realize that it was actually a good walk! I was there for her the whole time, when she needed me the most and we did make it home! … And after a sweet, heartwarming snack and more hugs, Chloe was once again a loving, happy child.
What did I learn from this? A number of things:
- We tend to unconsciously boss around our children all day long because we need to guide them in what to do and how to get through the day, while they are still so young. We don’t give them enough power, enough credit, enough trust even to figure it out. Sometimes, they need a break and feel like they are in charge too.
- Accepting a child’s feelings and acknowledging them is huge! Not trying to force-change the feelings, but let them experience their emotions (the good and the bad) is important. They learn from it and will then learn to calm down.
- Being present with your child means a world to them. It means we care, it means we love them.
- If you can’t change the situation, maybe you can change your expectations. That way, your ego, for your own good, won’t be crushed and you can be the best parent you can be.