Breastfeeding Challenges – My Story

When I was happily pregnant with my second child, I was confident in my ability to sail through breastfeeding just like I did with my first child. Little did I know at the time that I would have to face so many challenges and set-backs, and endure so much pain. But by staying positive and not giving up, I was able to overcome it all. 

I hope this story will encourage and support those moms who are facing the same issues, namely:

-bad latch
-low milk supply
-re-occurring mastitis

Just know that there is help out there and that things will work out if you want to keep going and not give up. While in this post I’m just sharing my story, there is another post “Breastfeeding Challenges And Solutions” ( https://mamaschronicles.com/breastfeeding-challenges-solutions/ ) where I talk more in depth about each challenge and what worked for me to overcome it.

Having said that, I fully support those moms who chose not to breastfeed or want to go the partial breastfeeding, partial formula way. But this is not what this post is about.

My Story

When I had my first child, Chloe, somehow breastfeeding came very naturally to me. Right from the start, Chloe had a good latch, I was very comfortable in the way I was holding her and I had so much milk supply I could feed an army. Milk was constantly dripping down my shirt and if I were to lift my shirt up during a nursing session, my milk, from the non-nursing breast, would spray everything that was within two meters. I did not appreciate that back then, but it was a true Nature’s gift in retrospect. Life was easy and simple.

I gave no second thought to my breastfeeding ability when I my second child, Sophie, was born. But the moment the doctors gave me this tiny new being I couldn’t get her to latch. It seemed like I have forgotten everything, as if my motherly instincts were failing me. I experimented with different positions but nothing was comfortable. What was going on? “It’s ok, it will come to you shortly,” the nurses would say, “just give her a little time”. And so I did.

A week has passed and I still didn’t feel comfortable holding Sophie while she nursed. The latch had a slight improvement but was still visibly off. And because of that, my nipples were hurting like crazy. “At least she’s getting her milk,” I told myself. I can bare with this until she gets stronger and things will get better. But it was had to bare. The pain was almost intolerable. And I was too tired to ask for professional help. “I’ve been through more painful things before,” I would tell myself, “I can do this for a just a bit longer”.

Then, at 3 weeks mark, I got hit with a high fever. I thought I caught a flu except that my right breast was red and was in a lot of pain. That’s when I learned the word “mastitis” – that painful, infectious lump in the breast that needs urgent attention. Most likely caused by a clogged duct.

The next day I went to see my doctor and she put me on antibiotics. I was terrified. How would that affect my milk? And my daughter is only 3 weeks old. But I had no choice but to take them. My mastitis was too advanced to try be cured naturally at that point.

I came home and collapsed on my bed. Here I was, with high fever and painful breast, three-weeks post partum, with a tiny baby on my hands who needs constant feeding, day and night. And I’m the only person who can feed her. I was beyond exhausted. I haven’t slept for 3 weeks and I knew I wouldn’t be getting any more sleep any time soon. And I still haven’t recovered from post-birth trauma. I was restless. I was destroyed physically and emotionally.

Tears started to pour down my cheeks. Somewhere in another room is my 2.5 year old who also wants her mommy but her mommy can’t pay attention to her right now. What a stab in the heart. I missed Chloe, and I couldn’t do more than give her a quick hug and a kiss. And even though my husband or my mom were always around I felt alone, alone in this breastfeeding journey, with a new baby on my hands.

Fresh, post-pregnancy hormones were still circulating full force through my body, playing tricks on my emotions and mood. I couldn’t stop crying.

Within days I started to have a bad physical reaction to antibiotics, although they were helping with the mastitis. But the worst was still to come.

One morning, while still on the medication, I woke up and discovered to my dismay that my milk supply seemed to have disappeared! It happened quite suddenly and really caught me off guard. What am I going to do now? What am I going to feed my baby? I squeezed my breast and not a drop of milk came out. My breasts felt empty and soft. I was shocked.

I still nursed Sophie and it seemed like she was able to extract some milk, but I was scared. I was afraid it wasn’t enough.

I had a back-up formula in the house for “emergency” situation. At the time when I bought it, while I was still pregnant, I sort of laughed it off. I did pray I would never have to use it and I couldn’t image a realistic situation when I would need it. “Nothing bad would happen to me” I told myself at the time. I’m invincible. Stuff like this only happens in movies, or to other people, not me … WRONG!

At 3.5 weeks post partum, here I was reaching for that formula. I went to the kitchen, pulled the formula out of the cupboard and stared at it for a while. Am I really doing this? Do I have a choice? While I absolutely support mothers who chose to give their babies formula, this is not what I wanted for my child. I wanted to breastfeed exclusively for as long as I can, shooing for 1.5 years to 2 year mark. Perhaps too ambitious.

And yet, 3.5 weeks into the babyhood, I am standing in the kitchen holding the formula in my hands, about to give it to Sophie. I didn’t know at the time, but I was possibly holding a deadly weapon, the one that could have killed my child or, at the very least, caused some major issues. When Sophie was seven months old, I introduced her to diary by giving her half a teaspoon of yogurt for the first time and boom! She had an allergic reaction. Her little body swelled in different parts and got covered in rashes. It was a scary sight.

A visit to an allergist confirmed Sophie’s allergy to dairy. An epi-pen became an integral part of our outings, everywhere we went. And more fear creeped into my mind and my thoughts.

I chugged on two huge glasses of water and went back into the bedroom, holding a bottle of formula in my hands. I took my little Sophie into my arms and decided to give this breastfeeding one more chance. “Maybe a miracle would happen”, I thought.  “Oh dear God, please give me more milk supply!”. And it happened. Sophie nursed for a bit and fell asleep. She didn’t seem fussy or anything so I took a leap of faith hoping that she got some milk. Perhaps I did have a little bit after all, even though I couldn’t squeeze any out.

I put the formula in the fridge for later, if needed. But luckily, I never resorted to using it. I can’t even imagine what would have happened if I had given her a full bottle of this dairy drink while she was 3 weeks old…

I preferred trying everything else under the sun to bump up my milk supply before I would cave in and offer formula. I drank tons of water, ate a tons of oatmeal, tried to rest as much as I could and we nursed and nursed and nursed. And I pumped and pumped and pumped. Even though nothing was coming out, it was still good for milk production. It’s all about Supply and Demand as we know it.

Our nursing sessions would take at least an hour and would be closer to 1.5 hrs at times. And we nursed every 3 hours a day, every day. Can you imagine what it was like? Compare that to Chloe whose nursing session would take about 10 minutes and we were done. And on top of nursing, I pumped, mostly at night time after breastfeeding. Apparently some hormonal magic happens at night and more milk is produced then. It was hard work.

At around the same time, I caved in and called for extra help. I hired a lactation consultant. She was encouraging and kept me going, but I couldn’t follow her breastfeeding advise. After days and weeks of trying to improve the latch and nursing position I still couldn’t get it right. It was so frustrating. I ended up tuning back in and listening to my inner voice. “Just do what works for you, even if it’s half broken”.

And so I resorted to the way we’ve nursed so far even though it was far from perfect. I used My Breast Friend pillow and lay Sophie there across on it and that was it. I shovelled my nipple into her mouth each time and held her tight to my body. Still, it was nice to have someone knowledgeable about breastfeeding around. At the very least, she had faith that I would succeed and that my milk supply would increase. It was very re-assuring.

Meanwhile, my sole consolation in all of this mess, were the regular doctor check-up visits. Each time the doctor would weigh Sophie she would confirm that she was gaining healthy weight. “I must be doing something right”, I would tell myself.

Three months down the road things have improved. Nursing became easier, my breasts were no longer hurting, the latch was better, although still far from perfect … and then it happened again! Mastitis. And later on again and again, for a total for four times! This time, however, I was aware of the early signs. Red sore breast, strange fatigue. I did a lot of research on home remedies and they worked for me. I didn’t have to go the antibiotics route ever again and I did not suffer nearly as much as I did the first time it caught me off guard.

And yet I lived in fear. I feared that it will come back again and this time it would strike me just as hard as it did the first time. But that did not happen. Recognizing the early signs and treating it right away was the key, in my case anyway.

Why on earth, you might ask, I didn’t just give formula to Sophie? Why did I go through all this hard work and suffering? I didn’t know the formula wasn’t safe for Sophie at that time. To this I say:

I’m stubborn. I stand behind my choices and I don’t give up easily. I’m a bit of a health fanatic too, so I wanted to do everything in my power and beyond to attain my goal. And I thought I could do it. I had faith. Even at times when it was scary, I still had faith. And not to mention, I was under Sophie’s charming spell. I knew she loved nursing and wouldn’t want it any other way.

By the time Sophie turned 5.5 months things finally started to settle down and, at last, go well. Breastfeeding became much easier, the latch improved a lot and I had one last case of mastitis, which I caught early once again and treated at home in two days. The worst was over. At least as far as breastfeeding was concerned. I went on to nurse Sophie until she was 25 months! We bonded so well, having had gone through all of the above, that the weaning was hard and emotional, but it was the right time to stop. (More on that in another post). It’ funny how life can play all these tricks on you. And I always like to believe that life wouldn’t give you more than what you can’t handle.

Epilogue

It took me a while to gather the courage to share my story, given how personal it is. But I truly hope that by sharing it – there will be a soul or two who will feel comforted and encouraged to keep going through all the breastfeeding challenges.

If I could offer just one word of advice, it would be this: Do what will keep you and your family sane.

If breastfeeding and its challenges is all too much for you to take, if it drives you insane, don’t do it! Go the formula way. You are still an amazing mom and you are by no means any “lesser” mom or anything of a sort. Don’t listen to people who might say otherwise.

But if introducing formula to your child will send you on some kind of guilt trip or will cause more headaches – stick to breastfeeding. You WILL overcome all the challenges and will reap the benefits afterwards.

PS: Sophie outgrew her dairy allergy by the time she turned 2. What a relief!